A fantastic cast, a truly horrible film, that only bares a passing resemblance to the classic novel by Alexander Dumas. And that’s unfortunate, because as I said, fantastic cast.

Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Matthew Macfayden, Milla Jovovich, Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Mads Mikkelsen and Juno Temple star in this horrible retelling. It features lots of anachronistic idioms, a Da Vinci inspired zepplin, and over-the-top action sequences which could have worked if the story was strong enough.

Athos (Macfayden) and his fellow musketeers, Porthos (Stevenson), and Aramis (Evans) are betrayed by Milady de Winter (Jovovich) over war plans that she dellivers to Buckingham (Bloom). From there we join D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) who is leaving home for Paris, in the hopes of becoming a musketeer.

As has happened in every incarnation, he runs afoul, one by one, with each of the musketeers, and meets them for a duel, only to join them when Rochefort (Mikkelsen) and his men, all in service to Cardinal Richelieu (Waltz) cross swords with them.

Despite not being able to prove it, the musketeers, who are in service to King Louis (Freddie Fox), believe that Richelieu and Buckingham are in cahoots against the King. The King is played as a young fool, who is trying to win over his equally young wife, Anne (Temple).

There are some moments that are very familiar to the story, and some are just silly additions. As much as I enjoy Jovovich, and think she looks stunning in this film, her version of Milady does some silly and adventurous things that just seem to not fit with the story at all.

And then there’s the ridiculous final act, which involves blimps dangling sailing ships firing broadsides, and lots of silly buckling of swashes.

You expect a certain amount of swashbuckling in these films, and while some of the sword work is nice, I just didn’t find this interpretation of the story entertaining, or sadly, enjoyable. And I found the score, by Paul Haslinger, less than inspiring. There are moments of fun, but I didn’t catch any themes, or action motiffs that stood out. That could have at least saved it.

But the film devolves into a silly mess, and shows that despite the cast, this one should just be skipped. I’m sure if we wait a couple of years someone will give us yet another take on the classic tale.

To get rid of the taste of this one, I may have to go back to the 1973 version by Richard Lester, which I don’t think I’ve watched since I was a kid. Let’s see how this one stands up, and if it buckles any swashes.